The Fruityverse

math

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 22:07:45 GMT

me = in love

PETPEEVE

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 01:46:53 GMT

Hey everyone,

I'm starting a new organization.

There are so many people out there protecting the rights of animals and trees and crap, well, what about people?
That's why I have decided to form People for the Ethical Treatment of People Except Evil Villains Everywhere or PETPEEVE.
Are you a nice person? Do you hate it when other nice people, as well as yourself, are hit by buses or eaten by crocodiles? Does AIDS bum you out? Then you should stop being so negative and join PETPEEVE, the only organization designed to help awesome people stay awesome.
We don't have meetings. We don't protest fast food restaurants. We don't send you nickels or stamps hoping it will trick you to read our newsletter. We don't even have a newsletter to trick you into reading.
We at PETPEEVE just want to make sure that awesome people stay awesome by being allowed to do awesome things. Do you know someone who plans to do something awesome? You don't even need to support them. All you have to do to be a card carrying (sans a card of any kind) member of PETPEEVE is simply do not stand in their way.
That's it! Don't prevent awesome people from doing awesome things, and you will have in turn preserved their awesomeness, and to us, that's awesome.
If you're compelled to send me money or if you're a pretty lady and would like to take nude photos of yourself claiming you did it in lieu of doing something else as a way to advertise (or just as an excuse to send me nude photos) then by all means. However, it is not necessary or required that you do so.
Oh also, if you'd like to join but you are a villain then shut up and go away. You are a doody head and no one likes you and you should go eat some poop or do something else gross instead of doing something cool like joining a super awesome nonprofit organization. Evil villains, regardless of location, are banned for life from PETPEEVE and, as the word life suggests, forever shall be so.

Thank you,

Founder of PETPEEVE
Brandston Fitz-Elroy Esquire
(note: Brandston Fitz-Elroy has never gone to law school, nor does he intend to in the near future)</font>

The captain is missing.

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 05:44:51 GMT

I'm going through something weird. I feel like I'm spread so thin and that I never have time for anything. Then when I have time I feel like I don't have anything to do. It's like being stuffed to the gills, but with a cold and hollow center.
I feel anxious a lot. I lose sleep sometimes. I dread things I should look forward to. I shirk responsibilities. I murder asian people. I type things just to see if you're paying attention.
It did make me feel a little less awkward to write that down. I don't know what my problem is. I feel like my life is finally starting to come together, but I can't help but feel like something is missing at the same time. Am I living the wrong life? Am I losing sight of what's actually important in lieu of how I can live in the now?
Is that no one can hear you scream in space, or is it that you're not actually making any noise at all because of the vacuum? Sorry, I have my most random thoughts when I'm avoiding thinking about something.

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 22:20:17 GMT

I'm doing a show for orphans this saturday afternoon. Say goodbye to your spot in heaven bitches, cuz I just snatched that shit up.

the eternal foosball table

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 05:16:09 GMT

I'm looking forward to a lot of things. My first performance is September 22nd. Heroes returns September 24th. I turn 25 on September 15th. That's Saturday. Saturday is my 25th birthday. I'm thirsty on September 14th 1:15 am (right now). Will you get me a drink? No? But tomorrow is my birthday! I don't care that we don't like in the same city and/or state! You're all jerks!
You're ruining my birthday you jerks!
I hate you!

something with letters...

Sun, 02 Sep 2007 04:01:59 GMT

- Comment and I'll give you a letter.
- You have to list 10 things you love that begin with that letter.
- Afterwards, post this in your journal.

Sam gave me "y"

aaaawwwww here it goes:

01) youtube
02) Y the last man
03) yesteryear (double y score!)
04) yayo! (because I'm dr. rockso and I do cocaine)
05) yogi berra
06) yes
07) yellow snow
08) your mom
09) yum yums
10) yan yan choco snack (epcot center biotch!)

check out...

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 16:50:04 GMT

My new home

Where have I been all my life?

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 15:34:44 GMT

I've decided I'm going to submit an imagined monologue to McSweeney's Quarterly. I write them all the time. I love short stories told from the point of view of one of it's bewildered, yet completely disenfranchised, characters. Maybe I'll post some ideas up here and let all of you decide which is the best to submit. Make it interactive. Fun for the whole family.

Because Sam yelled at me (sorta)...

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 04:50:50 GMT

remember me, me fans? Well, I guess the latter would require the former to be true.
Anyway, I felt I'd update in this thing for a quick minute. I sort of hit on a friend of mine. This is no big deal because it's sort of the nature of our relationship. We flirt, we laugh, and I leave unsure of if there's any truth behind being able to actually get in her pants. Well this time I felt a little creepy after.
I don't think I was any more forward/obscene than usual. She didn't seem particularly disturbed or uncomfortable. There really wasn't any detectable difference about tonight, yet somehow I felt kind of icky. I still wouldn't oppose to getting into the aforementioned pants if the opportunity arose. So it's nothing like that. Something undefinable just made me feel uncomfortable for some reason.
Perhaps I am tired of wondering. Perhaps I'd just like to know if I could or not. She, like all of you, is in FL so I can't exactly try to make it happen, and I wouldn't want to be so forward as to ask her just for the sake of knowing whether she would or not. Maybe the romantic in me finds nothing interesting in that scenario.
I just found that a little weird.
Oh well. Putting it behind me....now.
So I feel sort of lonely tonight. I guess because I had this episode of discomfort and had no one to confide in about the situation. It does kind of suck when I turn to livejournal because I have nowhere else to vent. Although that seems to be the only reason I ever use this thing anyway.
I remember, I signed up because a girl I liked told me to some 6 years ago. The girl later broke my heart to the point that I puked in the yard of the future once love of my life, who later also turned out to break my heart (I didn't do any puking that time, just a lot of crying in my car).
It's funny though. I'd never truly been interested in livejournal to start with. It's funny how many habits we can develop because of others. Is that how desperate for cohabitation we are? We'll not only change our lives with the inevitable threat of compromise, but we will alter our involuntary actions to suit others. Perhaps we will one day begin changing our chemical makeup to suit our partners. Perhaps this idea makes me far more uncomfortable than my conversation with my friend.
I always feel a little shitty admitting to some of you that I want to sleep with my friend. I know that I'm only human, we all have urges, etc. etc. but I feel skeezy when I talk about it out loud. Not the urges themselves. I'm one of the first people to admit I enjoy putting my penis into places that are enjoyable for a penis to be in. I guess when it becomes specific by applying a face and name and particular orifice to a casual, erego somewhat irresponsible, relationship it is a little less conscionable than simple human physiology.
I think I have some hangups to work on. Perhaps I'm just too self righteous to "lower" myself to admitting I'd enjoy casual sex with a friend. Maybe I'm trying to lead by example without actually being anyone's leader.
I try not to enforce double standards. I don't like "loose" women. So in fairness I try to practice what I preach. Ironic that doing so should keep me from preaching what I'd like to practice.

hodey<===not a word, but isn't it a great subject?

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 15:00:07 GMT

Hey everyone. Just wanted to let you know what's going on. Well my sister is in town looking for a place to live (they're moving out this way). But who cares about that. If you haven't been reading my myspace blogs/bulletins, I am auditioning with geva comedy improv later today. They're a really great group of local performers, and they've built quite a bit of buzz throughout the Rochester area. If nothing more, then performing with these guys would look great on my comedy resume. Regardless though, I think it would be lots of fun. And since I haven't had a gigging band in over 2 years now :( it would give me an outlet to perform in front of people.

K, bye.

Fruity, where you at dawg?

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 06:17:15 GMT

Hey gang,
It's been a while since I've actually said anything regarding the goings on in my life, so I thought I'd let you know what I'm up to right now.
- Working on spec scripts (one sitcom, one hour long drama series) in hopes of achieving a gig in television writing.
- Working on letters of inquiry to submit to various Lit Agents. Once I find some that are taking on new clients, I shall submit the aforementioned spec scripts in hopes of landing an agent in order to get said television writing gig.
- Working on building my writer's resume in order to write a more impressive letter of inquiry.
- Send a letter of inquiry to Marvel Comics as well in hopes of submitting my great story idea to land myself a job.
- Look for a college to continue my education with if I can't find an agent/writing job in the present.
- Still slowly punching away at my manuscript. Maybe someday I can add novelist to that letter of inquiry.

OK, so that's what I've been up to. In order to help the 3rd bullet in my list there, I am looking for any freelance writing gigs that might be available for me. If anyone out there knows of any freelance work out there, please let me know. I'd prefer something of the fiction/opinion/review variety, but am open to something within the parameters of journalistic or whatever.
Alright, it's getting hot in hear and it's making it difficult to concentrate so I'm gonna end it here. Man, for someone who calls himself a writer, I sure don't have anything of note to show for it. I don't think 10 self published pages of an unfinished comic book or hundreds of short stories about pandas and roller skates will impress anyone who might want to hire me. Although, I am waiting to hear back from procrastinating with pandas on roller skates monthly. Wish me luck!

In a simpler time...

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 00:58:23 GMT

The saddest thing happened today:
It was around 3:30-4pm, when the doorbell rang. My mom went to the door and opened it, and there stood a little girl whom I would have to guess was somewhere between 7-10 dressed in a snowsuit and carrying a sled. "Hello." Hello'd my mom, the girl stared at my mom for a moment before speaking. She seemed nervous. I expected her to be selling something for a school fund raiser or something.
"Hello," hello'd the girl back. "Do you have any children available?"
She actually used the word available. Like she was interested in hiring one for the weekend or something.
"Are you looking for someone to play with?" my mom asked, I could hear her voice start to tremble with pity, knowing what the answer would be.
The girl's head nodded up and down. I had to look down to see if shards of my heart were protruding from my chest after I felt it shatter.
"No, I'm sorry." my mom said. "There's just grown-ups here sweetie."
Disappointment was broadcast on the girl's face like it were the super bowl and she the good year blimp.
"OK." she sighed, and then turned and walked the sad and lonely 20 ft. of walkway that led to and from our home.
I'm not sure if it was the desperate act of a girl whose friends were all otherwise occupied, or if we'd just met this neighborhood's lonely girl that nobody wanted to play with, but either way I felt both crushed and powerless to help this poor little girl.
I thought about a simpler time where I might have been able to offer to play. I may not be a "tween" or the prepubescent gal pal of this little girl's dream, but I could pull a sled around for 20 minutes. Nowadays, if you're seeing pulling a girl in a sled who isn't a blood relative you go to jail for kidnapping. My mom and I looked at each other hoping we could figure out something to tell this little girl.
Sadly there was nothing. We had to close the door. The cold was getting in. The girl had already been shut out in figurative terms. It was horrible.
Folks, if any of you reading this have children. Make sure they give a kid a chance before they have to resort to looking door to door for playmates. What if that was your kid, or your door. It's horrible.

When did you all stop being lame?

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 05:19:08 GMT

Why is it that none of my friends are logged into AIM at night? I find myself at home between the hours of 10pm-1am completely friendless. Where did everyone go? I'm going crazy here. Quit having lives ya bastards!

Bleh

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 18:00:30 GMT

I'm so sick of other peoples' lives getting in the way of my own. Minor infractions mostly. They slow me down at worst, but it grows tiresome. Sometimes it would be nice to not have anyone else to worry about while trying to get my own shit done. I know I'm much better off in the long run to have people I care about, but I feel like I have to do more caring than most people.
Sometimes a good relationship with your parents can be a bad thing. Sometimes I envy those who live several states away from their families and only see them on holidays and special occasions.
Nothing major here. I'm just venting, so don't bother with the inquiries about what's wrong. It's really nothing requiring much sympathy anyway. My cross is a light one.

More Norther.

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 03:46:33 GMT

Well folks, it snuck up on me but my move to NY has finally come. Tomorrow the movers are coming to pack crap and they load the truck on wednesday, which means first thing thursday morning we're headed up. This also means that between tomorrow and Monday (our projected move in date) I will be without internet access. So this post is in part to let you all know that I will be out of reach for nearly the next week or so.
I'm looking forward to my move. I'm sick of New Jersey. I don't like uprooting constantly like I've been doing the past couple years, however this time I don't mind because New Jersey sucks.
I'll post more on my moving experience at a later date. Right now I'm just gonna go lay down because the movers are gonna be here at the crizack of dizawn. Much love homies

Fru manchoo

Weird coincidence...

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 03:14:49 GMT

I'm moving to Rochester, NY in about a week. In a weird coincidence I just received a friend request via myspace from a girl in Buffalo who seems rather interesting. Perhaps I'll make my first friend? I'll take it as an omen and perhaps reach out. More on my moving later for those of you who didn't know about it.

paint your own pottery...or kill yourselves, it's up to you.

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 05:38:51 GMT

I don't know what to say, but I feel like I need to say something.
I've nothing to talk about, but I really feel like talking.
I'll just do some bullet points of what my life has been like lately
- I heart my big TV
- EMGs in my ESP, now I'll finally get some R-E-S-P-E-C-T
- I spent a long time in Florida, you blew your chance to see me...or didn't if we hung out
- If a stripper ever deserved a tip...
- I do cocaiiine!
- haha, that shirtless cartoon guy has a red dick on his arm
- still haven't made out with Megan, but I'm keepin' hope alive
- I'm thirsty
That's it! Away we go!

BBQ nerd alert!!!!

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 05:43:46 GMT

As some of you who know me well know, I take BBQing VERY seriously. Since I live in a tiny apt. with very strict rules in crappy land (read: new jersey), I do not currently own a grill of any kind. I will however be able to bbq again very soon and I would like one of each of the following grills.

GAS GRILL
Weber Genesis Silver B
With 3 stainless steel burners, a toasting tray and warming basket, and sturdy stainless steel construction easily assembled with their "stop watch engineering" this BBQ is probably tops in the mid-priced, high performance gas grill market. It can run on both liquid propane AND natural gas, each providing it a respectable 36,000 btus allowing the wonderful cross ignition system (which enables you to light all 3 burners at once with the push of a button! Even at different heat settings!)
It has one of the bigger cooking capacities I've seen for a 3 burner grill, and - as standard with most weber grills - a convenient door mounted thermometer.

CHARCOAL GRILL
Weber 22 1/2 inch One Touch Gold
This bad boy has a 22 1/2 inch plated steel HINGED grate, a removable ash catcher, vents on the top and bottom of the grill, and a convenient one touch cleaning system (hence the name of the product).
The vent is aluminum, so it won't rust. The handles are glass reinforced (so they don't get hot), and the lid and bowl are porcelain-enameled so they won't rust either. There's really not much concern with a charcoal grill aside from size and versatility, and this one has both in check. Couple this with a nice stainless steel chimney starter for lighting my coals and wood chunks, and I will be grilling up a storm!

If I didn't live so far from everyone I care about I'd invite you all to a BBQ as soon as I get my hands on one (or both) of these grills. Maybe someday right? I promise the food wouldn't suck. I take the act of grilling just as seriously as I do my grills. So buy me these and then eat at my house for a while...it will eventually pay for itself!

Kayaking for cancer...more fiction from the ficticious

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 04:32:09 GMT

I got one of those navigational systems. GPS, yep. I thought it would be good since I have the sense of direction of an oven mitt, but all it's helped me with is developing the paranoia of a meth addict with a kilo of cocaine and a winning lottery ticket up his butt.
I read in the instructions that the system uses sattelites to track my position from anywhere in the world. Where did these sattelites come from? Before the days of terrorism, NASA used to let people know about anything, no matter how insignificant, they were launching into space at least 6 months in advance and would then ever so casually remind us every day after that until the very second the rocket breeched our atmosphere.
"We're launching a sattelite so we can monitor Steve's whereabouts at any given moment." I don't remember that press conference. I don't remember a bill about keeping tabs on confused motorists being passed at any point. Sure, it started as a nice piece of equipment that would help me get around but it ended up as a scary invasion of my privacy that would probably be chalked up as "a matter of national security" and one day find me hanging upside down in some office within an airport with a telescoping camera in my colon while some guy who was one cruller too many from staying on the force asks me what I know about some guy whose name I couldn't pronounce if it was the name of the street I'd lived on my entire life. With such a gigantic burden bestowed upon such a small electronic device, you'd think it wouldn't be able to sit so easily on it's little cradle suction cupped to the inside of my front windshield.
I started playing a new game. I try to see if I can fool it. It tells me to turn left, I make a sudden right. It always seems to catch up within a few seconds. One of these days I'll get it. Or drive into a tree trying to fool it. Either way I'm not gonna let the jelly filled filled bastard put his camera in my ass. No way, that's when the terrorists have won.

There's some fiction in the post below this one.

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 21:13:03 GMT

Check out a short story about Q-tips and ottomans below this. It's fun!

So I haven't written in this thing since the last time I wrote in this thing, <==and apparently I've since turned into Yogi Berra.
My lack of postage might have something to do with the fact that there's nothing to post. It also might have to do with the fact that I haven't bothered to download an LJ client since I reformatted and having to post from the website is a pain in the ass. It might also have to do with the fact that my lawyer has told me I'm not allowed to divulge any details as to my current situation.
That's creepy since I don't have a lawyer. Who is this guy telling me not to talk all the time? Get out of my apartment! Why am I typing what I'm saying to him?
If you've been watching television, then you know I'm not on it ever. Why am I never on television? You should do something about this. Call your local network affiliate and demand I be put on the air!
And if you do that, then you are truly a worthy minion and will be forced into my military as I plan to one day take over The Land of Make Believe. No, not the faggy mr. rogers Land of Make Believe, that british kid Simon's Land of Make Believe. You know, the kid who likes to do the "drawrings" and goes over the fence to the place with all the chalk stick figures. That place.
New theme song: Well you know my name is Simon, and I like to do "drawrings". Won't you come with me over the magical fence to the land of make believe...which is now owned by Fruity, and you're not allowed to enter without his permission so first we must acquire proper permits.

She puts her vagina on everything!

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 21:03:40 GMT

In my living room, in the dark, I can hear noises. They are equally as vulgar as they are disgusting, but just a tad more sickening than either. You might suppose the levels of vulgarity, disgust, and sickness don't really make a difference when getting my point across, but you don't have my cat.
God, I wish you had my cat.
They call it "in heat". I've been to Texas. I know what it's like being in heat and, if I had a vagina, the 98 degree air would not cause me to rub it on everything. She puts her vagina on everything!
The vet told me to take a Q-tip and...Oh lord. I don't even feel comfortable repeating it.
When I first brought this cat home I couldn't even name it for 6 weeks. I hardly think we have the kind of relationship where I can freely place Q-tips in very personal - catal? - areas.
Nameless and apparently over heated to the point of arousal - or maybe it's the humidity - she lays there grinding my possessions. I don't feel comfortable rubbing a Q-tip on her nether-regions, but she sure has no problem rubbing them against my brand knew ottoman from ikea.
I'm not a cat person. I'm barely a person person. Who are we kidding, I'm barely a person. She puts her vagina on everything. We're quite a pair.
Want my cat?

What do you think?

Sat, 30 Sep 2006 03:28:19 GMT

I really really really really really really really really really want to talk to her. I'm still reeling from the fact that I actually had the guts to get her phone number. I'm amazed at the manner in which I did. I'm stunned at the fact that she yelled "call me!" as I walked to my car and away from hers. I'm confused by the fact that I called her on tuesday, she didn't answer, and has not yet called me back.
For those of you not in the know, I met her at work. Today was my last day at said work. I might never see her again. Maybe that's why I had the guts to ask her for her number, I don't know. Maybe that's why she was willing to give it to me, I don't know. I do, however, know that I want to see her again. Then maybe again and again. I wouldn't go so far ahead of myself as to say I like her, for I do not know her all that well. She is, however, someone I definitely want to get to know.
I'm thinking I will call her again on sunday and hope that she either answers, or calls me back within a reasonable time frame (a couple days). I think that if she does one or the other I will ask her to accompany me to a comedy show next weekend.
Does this sound like a good plan? I could use some advice since I've never asked someone out before. Ladies, I could especially use your point of view. I'm tempted to call her tonight, but my heart and gut don't see eye to eye so I think I will hold off.
What do you think?

I got...

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 08:54:20 GMT

...The digits.

2 people that don't care for me at all...one of which is me.

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 23:37:55 GMT

So I did the worst thing you can do to any one person that there is. What I did ranks me with murderers, rapists, people who eat people, the worst of the lot. I took someone that trusted me and changed their opinion of me into something horrible that can never be reversed.
Sure I didn't do anything illegal to get there, and I have dodged the ass-rape bullet once again. But the truth is I deserve a good ass-raping by the biggest, blackest prison cock on God's green earth.
I've been called a lot of things over the years, a few people even meant some of them. I would always just shrug/laugh it off and go about my day. The truth is, few people's opinions of me have ever mattered. Then one person came along whose opinion of me made the sun rise and set. And wouldn't you know it, in true prison ass-rape deserving fashion, that person happens to be the one that I hurt so irreversibly.
Because I was insecure, because I was lonely, because I was too much of a pussy to accept the hand I'd been dealt here in my soon changing 23rd year I had a lapse in everything that makes me human, or more specifically the human that I am. I hurt someone irreparably. That person wants nothing to do with me now.
It is for the best. Now for both of us. What I had wanted I will get, but I will get it along with a shame that I will never be able to live down. I will have to live without a piece of my soul. One of the few admirable pieces I had. I will have to carry that burden forever, and I can't argue that I deserve any less.
I guess that's nearly as selfish as the crime that's been committed, carrying on so about the pain I'm going to feel from now on. It is however the truth that the pain would not be there if this person didn't mean as much to me as they have for so long now.
I have a funny way of showing them that. I have a funny way of doing everything...and there's nothing funny about that.

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 21:01:36 GMT

Does anyone know where I can buy a baby, and whether or not there's any laws against tying them to homemade rockets?